"There's no prize in winning other than self-satisfied loneliness."

<ul><li>What makes us bristle and deny everything generally isn't generally the accusation themselves.</li><li>We know our flaws far too well.</li><li>We know the other person is right, we just can't bear to take their criticism on board, given how severely it's been delivered.</li><li>We start to deny everything, not because the accusations are wrong, but because we are too terrified; the light of truth is shining too bright.</li><li class="ql-indent-1">The fear is that if we admitted our failings, we would be crushed, shown up as worthless, required to attempt an arduous, miserable process of change without requisite sympathy.</li></ul>

On the Receiving Side

<ul><li>Both sides must be ready to evolve, and during this process of evolution give and take sympathy and vulnerability with each other.</li><li>Both partners accept that they are flawed, but not - on this basis - ever beyond the need for love and kindness.</li><li>Take and give a well-considered criticism, layered by both,  reassurance and sympathy.</li><li>We need to be generous enough in our love in order that our partner can admit when they are in the wrong.</li></ul>

The Answer

"People don't change when they are told what's wrong with them, they change when they feel sufficiently supported to undertake the change they already know is due."

<ul><li>Maybe you're criticizing them for their bad habits, e.g. Drinking, Addictions, Not Enough Exercise, Poor Money Management, etc.</li><li>There are no prizes in love for correctly discerning the flaws of our partners.</li><li>By attacking our partner with clinical energy, we reduces our chances  of ever reaching the real goal : the evolution of the person we have to live with</li></ul>

On Criticizing Our Partner

There's no more common response to a partner's remarks than to find oneself in a 'defensive' mood. It's hugely understandable, but at points unfruitful. What follows is a short guide to reversing out of defensive moods for the sake of healthier communication. Sign up to our new newsletter and get 10% off your first online order of a book, product or class: https://bit.ly/2LayJ9F For gifts and more from The School of Life, visit our online shop: https://bit.ly/2RZTysj Our website has classes, articles and products to help you think and grow: https://bit.ly/2AaQTEG Download our App no on Android, IOS + PC: https://bit.ly/2R8n6Ed FURTHER READING You can read more on this and other subjects on our blog, here: https://bit.ly/2BhJtkP “We often operate in romantic life under the mistaken view – unconsciously imported from law courts and school debating traditions – that the person who is ‘right’ or has the stronger case should, legitimately, ‘win’ any argument. But this is fundamentally to misunderstand what the point of relationships might be. It is not to defeat an opponent (there are no prizes for ‘winning’ other than self-satisfied loneliness) so much as to try to help each other to evolve into the best versions of ourselves.” MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE Visit us in person at our London HQ: https://bit.ly/2FIGuX9 Watch more films on RELATIONSHIPS in our playlist: http://bit.ly/TSOLrelationships You can submit translations and transcripts on all of our videos here: https://www.youtube.com/timedtext_cs_panel?c=UC7IcJI8PUf5Z3zKxnZvTBog&tab=2 Find out how more here: https://support.google.com/youtube/answer/6054623?hl=en-GB SOCIAL MEDIA Feel free to follow us at the links below: 2R8n6Ed Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/theschooloflifelondon/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/TheSchoolOfLife Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/theschooloflifelondon/ CREDITS Produced in collaboration with: Deanca Rensyta Mihardja https://deancarensyta.brushd.com/work/23840/show-reel #TheSchoolOfLife #Relationships #Arguments

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There's no more common response to a partner's remarks than to find oneself in a 'defensive' mood. It's hugely understandable, but at points unfruitful. What follows is a short guide to reversing out of defensive moods for the sake of healthier communication.
 Sign up to our new newsletter and get 10% off your first online order of a book, product or class: https://bit.ly/2LayJ9F
For gifts and more from The School of Life, visit our online shop: https://bit.ly/2RZTysj
Our website has classes, articles and products to help you think and grow: https://bit.ly/2AaQTEG
Download our App no on Android, IOS + PC: https://bit.ly/2R8n6Ed

FURTHER READING

You can read more on this and other subjects on our blog, here: https://bit.ly/2BhJtkP

“We often operate in romantic life under the mistaken view – unconsciously imported from law courts and school debating traditions – that the person who is ‘right’ or has the stronger case should, legitimately, ‘win’ any argument. But this is fundamentally to misunderstand what the point of relationships might be. It is not to defeat an opponent (there are no prizes for ‘winning’ other than self-satisfied loneliness) so much as to try to help each other to evolve into the best versions of ourselves.”


MORE SCHOOL OF LIFE

Visit us in person at our London HQ: https://bit.ly/2FIGuX9

Watch more films on RELATIONSHIPS in our playlist: 
http://bit.ly/TSOLrelationships

You can submit translations and transcripts on all of our videos here: https://www.youtube.com/timedtext_cs_panel?c=UC7IcJI8PUf5Z3zKxnZvTBog&tab=2 
Find out how more here: https://support.google.com/youtube/answer/6054623?hl=en-GB 


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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Deanca Rensyta Mihardja
https://deancarensyta.brushd.com/work/23840/show-reel

#TheSchoolOfLife #Relationships #Arguments

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