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30 Steven Wright Quotes and Sayings
Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, writer, and film producer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, philosophical and sometimes nonsensical jokes, paraprosdokians, non sequiturs, anti-humor, and one-liners with contrived situations.
12
164 reads
#1
“For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.”
-Steven Wright
10
201 reads
#2
“There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
-Steven Wright
10
192 reads
#4
“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”
-Steven Wright
10
174 reads
#5
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”
-Steven Wright
10
166 reads
#6
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
-Steven Wright
10
157 reads
#9
“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”
-Steven Wright
10
124 reads
#12
“I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it on all the beaches of the world... perhaps you've seen it.”
-Steven Wright
10
118 reads
#14
“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”
-Steven Wright
10
85 reads
#16
“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”
-Steven Wright
10
88 reads
#19
“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”
-Steven Wright
11
69 reads
#21
“If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.”
-Steven Wright
12
71 reads
#25
“I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.”
-Steven Wright
10
67 reads
#26
“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”
-Steven Wright
11
70 reads
#27
“You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.”
-Steven Wright
10
63 reads
#29
“My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.”
-Steven Wright
10
64 reads
#30
“I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”
-Steven Wright
10
75 reads
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CURATOR'S NOTE
30 Steven Wright Jokes and Sayings
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