Navigating the 4 Stages of a Relationship

When it comes to coupling, there is no instruction manual.

Remember that old playground mantra:

First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes so and so and a baby carriage?

Love is not a one-size-fits-all journey.

While some marry and have kids, others take different paths. Each relationship is unique, just like each person.

The stages of love remain the same, regardless of the path taken. The key to a happy relationship? Navigating these stages together.

Neuroscientists and 'experts in love' have outlined 4 stages of a relationship. These stages go from falling in love to living happily ever after (or at least, for a while). Here are the stages they have found, along with ways to successfully navigate each one:

You can break these stages down based on when they typically occur:

Stage 1: The euphoric stage - 6 months to 24 months (2 years)

Stage 2: The early attachment stage - 12 months (1 year) to 60 months (5 years)

Stage 3: The crisis stage - 60 months (5 years) to 84 months (7 years)

Stage 4: The deep attachment stage - 84 months (7 years) and beyond

The euphoric stage is sometimes known as the 'honeymoon phase.' What makes this stage so magical?

For the past several decades, Helen Fisher, PhD, neuroscientist and Senior Research Fellow at the Kinsey Institute, and Lucy Brown, PhD, Clinical Professor in Neurology at Einstein College of Medicine in New York, have been studying the brain activity of people in love, from the early to the later stages.

Suspending negative judgement is vital for a happy relationship. This means decreasing activity in the prefrontal cortex, which judges people negatively. Couples who can maintain this for longer have higher chances of success.

In a follow-up study, researchers found that those who stayed together for 3 or more years showed significant decrease in activity in this brain region. This highlights the importance of suspending negative judgement for a lasting relationship.

Research shows that the passionate stage in relationships can last anywhere from 6 months to 2 years. However, a small percentage of couples (15% to 30%) claim to still feel the same excitement even after 10 or 15 years.

This means that the "honeymoon phase" has an expiration date, but some couples can keep the spark alive for much longer. So, don't worry if the intense feelings eventually fade – it's completely normal.

Brown explains, "We don't know why this is. I don't necessarily think it's because they have found their soulmates. I think it's the person. Some people have an easier time rekindling the earlier stages. Not to say the rest of us can't."

For the general population, the intoxication of new love will eventually morph into the next stage: early attachment.

Remember, love is a journey, not a destination.

In the previous stage of falling in love, unconscious factors like attraction and the pleasure-reward system take over. Brain scans of couples in this stage showed high levels of dopamine, the chemical that triggers intense pleasure.

Now, the more evolved parts of the brain, like the ventral pallidum and attachment hormones, take the lead. These hormones, such as oxytocin, are known as "the love hormone" and are responsible for attachment and bonding.

In relationships, the third stage is crucial - it's known as the "seven-year or five-year itch."

• According to Brown, every relationship has a drift apart phase.
• This can either lead to coming back together or drifting apart.
• A crisis can be the key to overcoming this phase and talking it out together.

For some couples, having children can either solidify their bond or cause stress that breaks the relationship apart. If the crisis stage is successfully overcome, the next stage is deep attachment.

In a relationship, the deep attachment stage is the calm after the storm. It's when a couple knows each other well and has been through the challenges. They have confidence in their ability to handle crises and have a plan for future ones. This stage is marked by security and stability.

After many years together, couples can experience a lasting, secure connection. If you're fortunate, this stage can last a lifetime.

How can we keep love going? According to researchers, one of the best ways is through novelty. Studies show that doing new, exciting, and challenging activities together can benefit relationships.

Dr. Art Aron and his wife, Dr. Elaine Aron, developed the "Self Expansion Model" to explain the intense feelings in the early stages of love. It reveals why the first few months of a new relationship can feel so exhilarating.

From the honeymoon phase to long-lasting commitment, nearly every couple goes through these stages of love. If you can successfully make it through turbulent times together, your bond will be strengthened and your commitment will be secure and steadfast.

Finding lasting love requires suspension of judgment, rekindling the early stages, and maintaining novelty.

Don't judge your partner too quickly, keep the passion and excitement alive, and always look for new ways to show your love. These could be the keys to unlocking long-term happiness in your relationship.