The word “discipline” comes directly from the Latin word disciplina, which was used as far back as the eleventh century to mean teaching, learning, and giving instruction. So, from its inception in the English language, “discipline” has meant “to teach.”

Discipline is Actually About Teaching

When we discipline with threats—whether explicitly through our words or implicitly through scary nonverbals like our tone, posture, and facial expressions—we activate the defensive circuits of our child’s reactive reptilian downstairs brain. We call this “poking the lizard,” and we don’t recommend it because it almost always leads to escalating emotions, for both parent and child.

Our “Autopilot” Reactions Only Make it Worse

Whenever we discipline our kids, our overall goal should not be to punish or to give a consequence, but rather to teach. Punishment might shut down a behavior in the short term, but teaching offers skills that last a lifetime.

Think Long-Term Rather Than Only In The Moment

However we decide to specifically respond when our children misbehave, there’s one thing we have to do: we must remain emotionally connected with them, even when—and perhaps especially when—we discipline.

Connection Moves a Child from Reactivity to Receptivity

Once we’ve connected with our child and helped her calm herself so she can hear us and fully understand what we’re saying, we can then redirect her toward more appropriate behavior and help her see a better way to handle herself.

Connect, then Redirect

There’s a great question we can ask ourselves before we begin redirecting and explicitly teaching: Is my child ready? Ready to hear me, ready to learn, ready to understand?

Ask Yourself a Question Before Redirection

A No-Drama response to a tantrum begins with parental empathy. When we understand why children have tantrums—that their young, developing brains are subject to becoming dis-integrated as their big emotions take over—then we’re going to offer a much more compassionate response when the screaming, yelling, and kicking begin. Viewing it with empathy and compassion will lead to much greater calm and connection than seeing it as evidence of the child simply being difficult or manipulative or naughty.

Have Parental Empathy While Disciplining

Ultimately, our job is to give unconditional love and calm presence to our kids even when they’re at their worst. Especially when they’re at their worst. That’s how we stay receptive instead of going reactive ourselves.

Parent by Example

Before you respond to misbehavior, take a moment to ask yourself three simple questions:<ol><li>Why did my child act this way?</li><li>What lesson do I want to teach in this moment?</li><li>How can I best teach this lesson?</li></ol>

3 Key Questions to Ask Yourself

Instead of lecturing your child, think about how you can reframe what you want your child to learn into the form of questions. Questions force your child to think for themselves instead of you thinking for them. Instead of saying, “you really hurt that person’s feelings!” ask them, “How do you think your choices made that person feel?” It may seem unnatural to ask a question you already know the answer to, but as you see the lightbulb moments going off in your child’s head, it will be worth it and it will become more natural to you.

Teach by Asking Your Child Questions

The word REDIRECT can spell a helpful acronym:<ol><li>Reduce Words (Don’t lecture, keep it simple)</li><li>Embrace Emotions</li><li>Describe, Don’t Preach</li><li>Involve Your Child in the Discipline (dialogue, not monologue)</li><li>Reframe a No into a Conditional Yes</li><li>Emphasize the Positive</li><li>Creatively Approach the Situation</li><li>Teach Mindsight Tools (Empathy and Self-Awareness)</li></ol>

REDIRECT Steps

These parenting principles have radically improved my parenting journey.

NEW YORK TIMES BESTSELLER • The pioneering experts behind The Whole-Brain Child and The Yes Brain tackle the ultimate parenting challenge: discipline.   “A lot of fascinating insights . . . an eye-opener worth reading.”—Parents Highlighting the fascinating link between a child’s neurological development and the way a parent reacts to misbehavior, No-Drama Discipline provides an effective, compassionate road map for dealing with tantrums, tensions, and tears—without causing a scene.   Defining the true meaning of the “d” word (to instruct, not to shout or reprimand), the authors explain how to reach your child, redirect emotions, and turn a meltdown into an opportunity for growth. By doing so, the cycle of negative behavior (and punishment) is essentially brought to a halt, as problem solving becomes a win/win situation. Inside this sanity-saving guide you’ll discover   • strategies that help parents identify their own discipline philosophy—and master the best methods to communicate the lessons they are trying to impart • facts on child brain development—and what kind of discipline is most appropriate and constructive at all ages and stages • the way to calmly and lovingly connect with a child—no matter how extreme the behavior—while still setting clear and consistent limits • tips for navigating your child through a tantrum to achieve insight, empathy, and repair • twenty discipline mistakes even the best parents make—and how to stay focused on the principles of whole-brain parenting and discipline techniques   Complete with candid stories and playful illustrations that bring the authors’ suggestions to life, No-Drama Discipline shows you how to work with your child’s developing mind, peacefully resolve conflicts, and inspire happiness and strengthen resilience in everyone in the family. Praise for No-Drama Discipline   “With lucid, engaging prose accompanied by cartoon illustrations, Siegel and Bryson help parents teach and communicate more effectively.”—Publishers Weekly “Wow! This book grabbed me from the very first page and did not let go.”—Lawrence J. Cohen, Ph.D., author of The Opposite of Worry

parenting

Parenting

communication

Communication

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Books

A breakfast bowl gets thrown across the kitchen, splattering milk and cereal all over the wall. One of your kids threatens a younger sibling. You get a call from the principal's office for the third time this month. What do you do? Often, parenting is treated like some form of manipulation or behavioural coercion that must be kept secret from children. No-Drama Discipline, instead, is based on recent discoveries about the brain that give us deep insights into the children we care for, what they need, and how to discipline them in ways that foster optimal development. It offers a 'relational' approach that builds on children's innate desire to please their parents and get along well with others. Following the same successful formula that made The Whole-Brain Child a bestseller, No-Drama Discipline presents clear messages in a practical and inviting format to communicate its core concepts and practices. You can discipline your children in a way that's high on relationship-building, high on respect, and low on drama and conflict. As a result, your life as a parent will be easier, and your parenting will become more effective. And more importantly, you'll create connections in your children's brains to build emotional and social skills that will serve them now and throughout their entire life -- all while strengthening your relationship with them.

No-Drama Discipline

Tim Taylor