Dating to find “The One” is extremely limiting—and often leads to major disappointment. There is never going to be one perfect person whose love is so powerful that it checks every box, heals all our wounds, and makes us want to delete all the apps.  Why do we carry these expectations of potential partners when we know that we’re not perfect either? Instead of looking for perfection, look for potential.

MYTH 1: There’s Only One Person Out There For Me.

Great potential is fundamental to meaningful growth, and couples are supposed to grow and change.

There have been multiple people with whom we have had a life and, for a time, maybe we did. But people we love are not necessarily the same people we can make a life with. Life stories are not the same as love stories. It’s a different set of ingredients, different aspirations. We can have an incredible romantic interlude for a few months, totally disconnected from our realities, and it can be a perfect, beautiful love. But it has little to do with the intricate scaffolding that supports a life together.

MYTH 2: At A Certain Point, Dating Should Lead To Marriage.

We pursue a new relationship for a few months while and then find ourselves bored and looking for the next person to come along. Why? Is it because “we haven’t found the right person yet,” or is it because we’re not yet familiar with our own attachment style? Love, desire, connection—all of the things that make us want to stay and go deeper with someone—are not induced by another person. They are co-created. Instead of asking whether we’ve found the right person, learn what it would be like to be in a relationship in which both partners are mutually interested in being good for each other.

MYTH 3: I Haven’t Found The Right Person Yet.

There are times when we need to show the person how deeply we feel for them and there are times when we need to stop. When we struggle to know which is which, it can help to ask ourselves: <ul><li>Am I trying to prove how much I care about this person because they’re doubting it?</li><li> Or am I struggling with my own feelings of rejection? </li><li>Is this about our connection or is this about me? </li><li>Can I privately deal with this unbearable rejection or do I feel entitled to another shot? If so, why? </li></ul>We have a tendency to respond to disconnection by gripping tighter, although it doesn't give us the expected result.

MYTH 4: If I Try Harder With The Person I’m Interested In, They 

It’s an experience that can make us never want to try again. But this is the voice of heartbreak. It conveniently highlights the good parts and disregards the shortcomings. Being realistic with ourselves about the shortcomings, however, can help us heal and determine what we want in future relationships. The person who broke our heart wasn’t “the one”—not only because the concept of “the one” is flawed—but because there are many people we can love and who will love us. It takes time to heal, but love is not a finite resource.

MYTH 5: I’ll Never Love Again.

Almost every one of us will have our heart broken.

If and when we find a partner who makes us believe in love again—we’ll be grateful that the other ones didn’t work out.

Bonus 

There are very few set rules for dating, especially in the ever-evolving world of modern love. But no matter how much progress we make, we still carry outdated mythologies with us, often from relationship to relationship. Correcting those myths—such as "dating should lead to marriage" and "it's about finding the one"—starts here. Read more about 5 common myths we tell ourselves when we're dating and how to reframe them.

loveandrelationships

Love & Relationships

Esther Perel's Blog - 5 Myths We Tell Ourselves When We’re Dating

The benefits of mentoring are myriad. For individuals, <a href="http://knowledge.wharton.upenn.edu/article/workplace-loyalties-change-but-the-value-of-mentoring-doesnt/">studies show </a>that good mentoring can lead to greater career success, including promotions, raises, and increased opportunities. Organizations that embrace mentoring are <a href="https://www.huffingtonpost.com/julie-kantor/four-key-benefits-of-work_b_9432716.html">rewarded </a>with higher levels of employee engagement, retention, and knowledge sharing. In fact, mentoring has proved so beneficial that <a href="http://knowledge.wharton.upenn.edu/article/workplace-loyalties-change-but-the-value-of-mentoring-doesnt/">71% of Fortune 500 </a>companies offer mentoring programs to their employees.

Importance of Mentoring 

A good mentor needs to be more than just a successful individual. A good mentor must have the disposition and desire to develop other people. It requires a willingness to reflect on and share one’s own experiences, including one’s failures. Great mentors must be able to both “talk the talk” and “walk the walk.”

What Makes A Good Mentor

<ul><li>A desire to develop and help others. A good mentor is sincerely interested in helping someone else without any “official” reward. Good mentors do it because they genuinely want to see someone else succeed.</li><li>The ability and availability to commit real time and energy to the mentoring relationship. Good intentions aren’t enough—mentoring takes time!</li><li>Current and relevant industry or organizational knowledge, expertise, and/or skills. The best mentors have deep knowledge in an area that the mentee wishes to develop.</li></ul>

Qualities to Look for in a Mentor 

<ul><li>A willingness to share failures and personal experiences. Mentors need to share both their “how I did it right” and their “how I did it wrong” stories.</li><li>A growth mindset and learning attitude. </li><li>Skill in developing others. This includes the very real skills of: active listening, asking powerful, open-ended questions, self-reflection, providing feedback and being able to share stories that include personal anecdotes, case examples, and honest insight. </li></ul>

Just as there are specific characteristics of a successful mentor, there are attributes and sensibilities that make for a good mentee. This is important, because mentees must remember that mentors are doing this from the goodness of their heart, so being a good mentee is the best way to ensure the relationship enjoys a healthy purposeful existence.

What Makes a Good Mentee

<ul><li class="ql-align-justify">Committed to expanding their capabilities and focused on achieving professional results.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Clear about their career goals, needs, and wants. </li><li class="ql-align-justify">Willing to ask for help, show vulnerability, and explore different paths and perspectives. Mentees must be open and receptive to learning and trying new ideas.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Able to seek and accept feedback—even the “constructive” kind—and act upon it.</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Be personally responsible and accountable. </li><li class="ql-align-justify">Ready, willing, and able to meet on a regular basis. Relationships take time to develop, so mentees must also be committed to upholding their end of the bargain.</li></ul>

Mentees Need to BE

<ul><li>Contact and response times: Who contacts whom? How? What are acceptable response times? </li><li>Meetings: Where, when, and how often? Are you meeting in person? On the phone? Virtually? </li><li>Confidentiality: What’s shareable and what isn’t? </li><li>Focus: What are the parameters of the mentoring? What’s in and out of bounds? </li><li>Feedback: What are the expectations around giving and receiving feedback? </li><li>Goals and accountability: What would each party want from this experience? How does the mentee want the mentor to hold her accountable? How does the mentor want the mentee to hold her accountable? </li> </ul>

Mentoring Relationship 

Since January is National Mentoring Month, now is the perfect time to explore the positive impact that mentoring can have on your career. Whether you are the mentor or the mentee, the mentoring relationship can push your career to new heights.

personaldevelopment

Personal Development

leadershipandmanagement

Leadership & Management

Mentoring Matters: Three Essential Elements Of Success

There are 3 simple modes to describe the relationship with money.

Modes of Relationship with Money 

"I want more and as much as I can get" - it is self-sentered and all I want is for m self. I don't want to share and serving is not my focus.

#1 Selfish

"I have just enough to get by, I am not suffering but I have nothing to give."

#2 Sufficiency

"I want to give what I have and I want more in order to give". Moving from sufficiecy mindset to service mindset is about changing our relationship with ownership.

#3 Service 

Jay Shetty, social media superstar and host of the #1 podcast On Purpose, distills the timeless wisdom he learned as a monk into practical steps anyone can take every day to live a less anxious, more meaningful life. When you think like a monk, you’ll understand: -How to overcome negativity -How to stop overthinking -Why comparison kills love -How to use your fear -Why you can’t find happiness by looking for it -How to learn from everyone you meet -Why you are not your thoughts -How to find your purpose -Why kindness is crucial to success -And much more... Shetty grew up in a family where you could become one of three things—a doctor, a lawyer, or a failure. His family was convinced he had chosen option three: instead of attending his college graduation ceremony, he headed to India to become a monk, to meditate every day for four to eight hours, and devote his life to helping others. After three years, one of his teachers told him that he would have more impact on the world if he left the monk’s path to share his experience and wisdom with others. Heavily in debt, and with no recognizable skills on his résumé, he moved back home in north London with his parents. Shetty reconnected with old school friends—many working for some of the world’s largest corporations—who were experiencing tremendous stress, pressure, and unhappiness, and they invited Shetty to coach them on well-being, purpose, and mindfulness. Since then, Shetty has become one of the world’s most popular influencers. In 2017, he was named in the Forbes magazine 30-under-30 for being a game-changer in the world of media. In 2018, he had the #1 video on Facebook with over 360 million views. His social media following totals over 38 million, he has produced over 400 viral videos which have amassed more than 8 billion views, and his podcast, On Purpose, is consistently ranked the world’s #1 Health and Wellness podcast. In this inspiring, empowering book, Shetty draws on his time as a monk to show us how we can clear the roadblocks to our potential and power. Combining ancient wisdom and his own rich experiences in the ashram, Think Like a Monk reveals how to overcome negative thoughts and habits, and access the calm and purpose that lie within all of us. He transforms abstract lessons into advice and exercises we can all apply to reduce stress, improve relationships, and give the gifts we find in ourselves to the world. Shetty proves that everyone can—and should—think like a monk.

books

Books

Jay Shetty, social media superstar and host of the #1 podcast On Purpose, distills the timeless wisdom he learned as a monk into practical steps anyone can take every day to live a less anxious, more meaningful life. When you think like a monk, you’ll understand: -How to overcome negativity -How to stop overthinking -Why comparison kills love -How to use your fear -Why you can’t find happiness by looking for it -How to learn from everyone you meet -Why you are not your thoughts -How to find your purpose -Why kindness is crucial to success -And much more... Shetty grew up in a family where you could become one of three things—a doctor, a lawyer, or a failure. His family was convinced he had chosen option three: instead of attending his college graduation ceremony, he headed to India to become a monk, to meditate every day for four to eight hours, and devote his life to helping others. After three years, one of his teachers told him that he would have more impact on the world if he left the monk’s path to share his experience and wisdom with others. Heavily in debt, and with no recognizable skills on his résumé, he moved back home in north London with his parents. Shetty reconnected with old school friends—many working for some of the world’s largest corporations—who were experiencing tremendous stress, pressure, and unhappiness, and they invited Shetty to coach them on well-being, purpose, and mindfulness. Since then, Shetty has become one of the world’s most popular influencers. In 2017, he was named in the Forbes magazine 30-under-30 for being a game-changer in the world of media. In 2018, he had the #1 video on Facebook with over 360 million views. His social media following totals over 38 million, he has produced over 400 viral videos which have amassed more than 8 billion views, and his podcast, On Purpose, is consistently ranked the world’s #1 Health and Wellness podcast. In this inspiring, empowering book, Shetty draws on his time as a monk to show us how we can clear the roadblocks to our potential and power. Combining ancient wisdom and his own rich experiences in the ashram, Think Like a Monk reveals how to overcome negative thoughts and habits, and access the calm and purpose that lie within all of us. He transforms abstract lessons into advice and exercises we can all apply to reduce stress, improve relationships, and give the gifts we find in ourselves to the world. Shetty proves that everyone can—and should—think like a monk.

Jay Shetty is a storyteller, podcaster, and former monk. Shetty’s vision is to Make Wisdom Go Viral. He is on a mission to share the timeless wisdom of the world in an accessible, relevant, and practical way. Shetty has created over 400 viral videos with over 5 billion views, and hosts the #1 Health and Wellness podcast in the world, On Purpose. Learn more at JayShetty.me.

Jay Shetty

Think Like a Monk

Because thinking carefully about the things we are likely to regret can help re-calibrate and re-focus how we live.

Why is this topic crucial to a life well lived?

You will regret all the times you said yes when you’d rather have said no.You will feel sad that you changed yourself, mentally, physically, or emotionally, in order to fit into society or impress others, rather than stayed strong and remained who you truly are.You’ll be annoyed you didn’t follow your own heart and, instead, followed in the footsteps and influence of other people.

#1 Following the Crowd

This could be trying out that new job that excites you, though feels like a risk.It could be asking out that person who has captured your interest, but who you are intimidated to talk to.For many of these, though certainly not all, you’ll regret not having taken the chance, not having given it a shot. You will then be left wondering, what if? What could have been? Why didn’t I do it? What was I so afraid of? Why did I play it so safe? What might I have missed out on?

#2 Not Taking Chaces

This point relates to everything health-wise.<ul><li>Exercising several times a week</li><li>Eating healthfully</li><li>Not eating wheat or sugar. I realize not everyone will agree, but that’s OK</li><li>Stretching routinely</li><li>Paying close attention and attending to your mental health</li><li>Laughing and playing often</li><li>Drinking enough water</li></ul>

#3 Not Putting Effort in Health 

It’s always sticking to the same habits and routines.It’s never daring. It’s always taking the easy, more comfortable way.Staying in your bubble, though, is more like never trying to make new friends.It’s staying in the same job for your entire life.

#4 Staying Within Your Bubble

This can be anything. The book you talked about writing for years and never did. That you wanted to learn to play guitar and never put in the effort. That you kept thinking you’d spend more time with your kids or your beloved pet, and instead, put it off, and put it off. You will regret all the things you wanted to do, the things you were passionate about, the goals you had, the things that made your interest ignite, and you never put time or effort toward them.

#5 Not Biting the Bullet and Making Time For the Things Import

The world is always going to have a ton of problems. Sometimes it will look worse than at other times.This is NOT to say we shouldn’t acknowledge and speak about these things. We should and we must. Otherwise, there is no hope of ever changing them.Choose to (more of the time) focus on the positive aspects of life, what you can change about what you don’t like in the world (and then do it), and otherwise, what makes being alive so great.When the end of your life comes, you will regret not having done this.

#6 Complaining All the Time

Think of the special, emotionally close, rare friends you’ve had during your life. These types of connections do not grow on trees.Maybe you’ve had a handful, in which case, you are lucky. Some people have had none.Friends are easy to find. Genuine, truly awesome friends with whom you have a deep connection? Those are harder.Google “the benefits of friendship” to be reminded of why. Then, go hang out with a close friend of yours, with no cell phones in sight, and truly revel and engage in the connection fully. With that person, in-person. You will then know what I’m talking about.

#7 Not Putting In the Time Toward Your Friendships

Books offer us so many riches. An endless amount really. You can learn anything from books. How to speak a language, how to garden, baking or cooking, health science, dog training, engineering, new insights about friendship and romantic relationships, what living in another culture might be like, and what it might feel like to live as someone of a different gender, race, or sexuality from you.The other purpose and gift of books? They can make you a better person, a healthier person, a kinder person, a wiser person.Not every book will do this, necessarily, but a lot of them can and will.

#8 Not Reading More

Children play. Adults tend not to as much. We’re taught that play is “silly” and something to be shy about. Not so, though. Check out the work of Brene Brown. She speaks to this topic and how important it is for our mental well-being, our relationships, and our sense of creativity.Play. It brings you closer to your social connections. It’s good for your mental health and creativity. It lowers your stress.Later on, you’ll wish you had.

#9 Not Playing More

Granted, if you’re from America, you are up against a tough culture, work-wise. We have a hard time with work-life balance, plus some of the least vacation time of any developed country, as well as, zero paid maternity leave, and usually crappy allotted sick time as well. So, this is a difficult one.Still, it is possible to push back on this, depending on your situation and means.It’s likely worth trying to do so since working too much is one of the top regrets of the elderly. In fact, it’s #2 in Bronnie Ware’s bestselling book, <a href="https://bronnieware.com/blog/regrets-of-the-dying/">The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying </a>.

#10 Working Too Much

<ul><li>Following the crowd in order to fit in or gain approval</li><li>Not taking chances</li><li>Not putting in discipline and effort toward your health</li><li>Staying within your small bubble</li><li>Not making the time and effort for the things important to you</li><li>Complaining all the time</li><li>Not putting priority and energy toward your great friendships</li><li>Not reading more</li><li>Not playing more</li><li>Working too much</li></ul>

The 10 Regrets 

Because thinking carefully about the things we are likely to regret can help re-calibrate and re-focus how we live. You’ll regret having become a false self, both physically and emotionally, in order…

10 Things You’ll Regret When You’re Older, if You Aren’t Careful

Bandler and Grinder developed the six step reframe technique from their study of <a href="https://nlp-mentor.com/milton-erickson/">Milton Erickson </a> (ideomotor signals) and <a href="https://nlp-mentor.com/virginia-satir/">Virginia Satir </a>‘s work with parts. They included it in their book <a href="https://nlp-mentor.com/frogs-into-princes/">Frogs into Princes </a>

NLP REFRAMING

When we are young, we try out different behaviors and some of them work. We keep the ones that work, even when times change and those responses may not be the most useful ones. Throwing a tantrum at 4 might get us what we want, at 44 it probably won’t work so well.

Origin of Our Behaviors

Behind every behavior is a positive intention – this is one of the basic NLP presuppositions. Motives drive behavior. Our brains do nothing without some (usually unconscious) purpose.

Positive intention

The first step is:Identify a troubling behavior or response, something you would rather not do or feel.

1. Identify the Issue

Establish communication with the part creating the unwanted behavior or response. Ask if it would be willing to communicate consciously. This communication might be a sensation somewhere in their/your body, a picture, voice or sound.When you get a signal, first thank the part for responding. When we have fought against particular behaviors, they can feel alienated, so it’s useful to be polite.

2. Establish Communication

Find the positive intention. Ask the part “What do you want? What positive thing are you trying to do for me? The key here is to recognize the difference between the parts intention and the way it is going about getting it.Have you ever tried to be helpful and the person misunderstood your intention and got annoyed? How does it make you feel? Are you likely to help a second time? Our unconscious parts feel the same. Here they are doing the best they can to achieve something for you. Is there thanks or even appreciation? We might have a long history of fighting and shaming this response.

3. Find the Positive Intention 

If a neighbor repeatedly told you what a worthless lazy bum you were for not mowing your lawn more often, would it inspire you to mow? I have no idea why many of us think shaming works to change behavior. It doesn’t work for me.Assuming that this aspect of self has a positive intention can create rapport and therefore makes it more willing to cooperate.

3. Find a Positive Intention 

Ask for help from their/your creative part to create three alternative ways to get the intended outcome.

4. Ask for Help

Have the part evaluate these new choices. Are they acceptable? Will they be as good as or better than the previous behavior? It needs to be willing to try them out for the next month or longer if appropriate. The key here is negotiation. If the part with the unwanted behavior is not happy with these alternatives, it is unlikely to give them a go. If you have ever agreed to something because you were bullied into it, you’ll know how important willing commitment is. If the alternatives are not acceptable, go back to step 4 for better choices.

5. Evaluate 

Check for objections with other parts with an ecology check and <a href="https://nlp-mentor.com/future-pacing/">future pacing</a>. When we change behaviors, we can affect other people and aspects of ourselves. Even changes we think are fabulous have unintended consequences. We get our new car, but our camping gear doesn’t fit in the boot.If there are objections, put them through the same process from step 2 – what is the positive intention etc?

6. Check for Objections 

Bandler and Grinder developed the six step reframe technique from their study of Milton Erickson (ideomotor signals) and Virginia Satir's work with parts. They included it in their book Frogs into Princes When we are young, we try out different behaviors and some of them work. We keep the ones that work, even

Esther Perel's Blog - 5 Myths We Tell Ourselves When We’re Dating

Mentoring Matters: Three Essential Elements Of Success

Think Like a Monk

10 Things You’ll Regret When You’re Older, if You Aren’t Careful

The Six Step Reframe Technique

Marina Valkova