Raising kids is basically one big messy experiment—we’re all just figuring it out as we go. But in today’s world, where parenting often feels like a constant hustle for achievements and gold stars, it’s easy to fall into the trap of obsessing over what our kids aren’t doing, instead of leaning into what they’re already great at.

The Problem

Interestingly, decades of research suggest that helping kids thrive isn’t really about fixing what’s wrong. It’s about spotting what’s already right—their strengths—and building on those. Psychologists even have a name for this: ‘islands of competence.’

Islands of Competence

Sometimes kids stumble onto their strengths on their own. Other times, they need a gentle nudge. This is where curiosity becomes your superpower as a parent.Ask questions like: “What do you do that makes you lose track of time?” or “When do you feel the most confident or alive?”

1. Identify the Island 🌴

Here’s the thing: most people—even adults—tend to undervalue what comes naturally to them. Your kid might be amazing at explaining stuff to others, but they won’t realize that’s a strength unless someone points it out.

2. Name It 🏷️

Once you’ve spotted a strength, it’s time to level it up. Research shows that motivation isn’t just about raw talent—it’s about deliberate practice. The stuff we get better at when we stick with it. That could mean summer programs, clubs, or just letting them explore at home without a rigid agenda. The key? Suggest, don’t push. The fastest way to kill enthusiasm is to force it.

3. Build on It 🧱

Nobody’s good at everything. And that’s fine. The trick is using what does work to navigate what doesn’t.

4. Use Strengths to Tackle Weaknesses 🛠️

The stories we tell in our families shape how kids see themselves. If they keep hearing, “He’s terrible at time management” or “She’s just not a reader,” those labels start to stick. Instead, flip the script.Say things like: “You have a real gift for making people feel welcome” or “Your imagination always surprises me.” And yes, it has to be real. Kids know when we’re faking it.

5. Tell an Optimistic Story ✨

To help fortify children’s islands, parents can take a few simple steps:<ol><li class="ql-align-justify">Identify the Island 🌴</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Name It 🏷️</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Build on It 🧱</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Use Strengths to Tackle Weaknesses 🛠️</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Tell an Optimistic Story ✨</li></ol>

Let's Recap

When children fall short, many parents’ instinct is to take away something they love. That’s the wrong impulse.

Understand yourself and those around you.

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Psychology

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Motivation & Inspiration

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Parenting

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Learning & Education

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Mental Health

The Wrong Way to Motivate Your Kid

The world is a real puzzle, full of twists and turns. Truth is often found in the middle, not in one extreme or the other.Non-dual thinking is like watching a chameleon on a rainbow. It doesn’t have to choose between being ‘red’ or ‘blue’; it can be ‘reddish-blue’ or ‘blueish-red’, perfectly fine. It’s not about picking sides.Dawn isn’t strictly day or night; it’s a beautiful ‘both/and’ moment where day and night blends.

Embrace non-dual thinking

☑️ being (state of existence)☠️ having (possession)If you're BEING, you're like a BEE, finding purpose in pollinating flowers, creating honey, and contributing to life's cycle - not because it needs to own things, but because that's its natural state of existence.If you're HAVING, you're like a HAVEN for raccoons - collecting and possessing random things in your personal space.

Adopt a "being" orientation

Frequently update your expectations to match reality

Tragic optimism is like a sunflower growing through a skull - Tragic (skull) Optimism (sunflower). The flower doesn't care it's sprouting from something dead; it just keeps reaching for the light while using death as its foundation. The darker the soil, the taller it grows!

Practice tragic optimism, commit to wise hope, and take wise action

If you feel like you’re not quite standing out, here are journaling prompt on how you can become more unique."What pursuits could I start, maintain, or spend more time with?"And for integration,"How can I bring together the different parts of my personality into a well-rounded story?"

Actively differentiate and integrate your sense of self

"If you find yourself becoming overly attached to any one person, place, concept, or thing, broaden the story you tell yourself about yourself."

When you want to take control and make something happen, the independent lens is your best friend.But when you’re in a chaotic environment, the interdependent lens can help you navigate through it."Remember to think non-dually. Even in a single project, there will likely be moments that benefit from deploying each lens."

View the world with independent and interdependent lenses

<ol><li class="ql-align-justify">Pause by labeling your emotions</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Process by practicing non-identification, viewing your situation</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Plan by self-distancing and gaining even greater perspective as you evaluate your options</li><li class="ql-align-justify">Proceed by taking micro-steps, treating each as an experiment and adjusting as you go</li></ol>

Respond to change with the 4Ps

Routines and rituals provide structure and stability when everything around us is changing. They also serve as a reliable source of voluntary simplicity: the world may be chaotic but I know that every Sunday morning I go for a run."the first rule of routines is to develop one and stick with it; the second rule is to be okay with releasing from it."

Lean on routines (and rituals) to provide stability during periods of disorder

Use behavioral activation.

Don’t force meaning and growth; let them come on their own time.

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10 Ways How to Excel When Everything Is Changing, Including You; Embracing Life’s Instability with Rugged Flexibility—a Practical Model for Resilience

'Brad Stulberg is the writer I turn to for examinations of success in all of its personal and professional complexities' - David Epstein Master of Change is offers a captivating and compelling new framework for negotiating our changing world and workplace, and going on to thrive within uncertainty. While we see change as an exception and instability as something to overcome, change is actually an enduring principle of all our lives. Indeed, research shows that, on average, people experience thirty-six major 'disorder events' in the course of their adulthood. The mark of success is how we can flourish not by fighting but by embracing change. Borrowing from the high-performance world of business, resilience-training and mindset-hacking, science and spirituality, philosophy and psychology, bestselling author and coach Brad Stulberg equips the reader with 'rugged flexibility' - a revelatory new framework to help overcome the challenge of change. When we start to implement rugged flexibility, we learn to view change as ongoing cycle of order, disorder, and reorder, and we become adept at thriving in the midst of flux. The result of becoming a master of change is to be less stressed, less anxious and more confident, to experience sustained performance at work and beyond, and be happier and more fulfilled in life.

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Philosophy

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Personal Development

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Books

Brad Stulberg

Master of Change

Don’t sweat your first words! In fact, mostly of what your listeners think about you has nothing to do with what you say. Just be yourself, and let your personality shine through. Even if your words are simple, if you have a warm and friendly tone, and if you speak with enthusiasm, you’ll come across as interesting and engaging. Takeaway: "people tune in to your tone more than your text."

"PROSAIC WITH PASSION"

"Make sure your message reflects three Cs:Confidence, Clarity, and Credibility."

Whenever you attend a social event, bring something unique to wear or carry. This way, people who spot you can strike up a conversation with an interesting story about your unusual accessory. “Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice your… what is that?”

"ALWAYS WEAR A WHATZIT"

Once a month, shake things up! Try something completely new. Join a sport, attend an exhibition, or listen to a lecture on a topic you’ve never heard of. You’ll learn a lot "lingo" or vocabulary just from one experience.

"SCRAMBLE THERAPY"

Have you ever noticed how echoing can be a really effective way to connect with someone? It’s all about repeating what they say, but not just the words, but also the way they say them. When you do that, it creates a sense of rapport and understanding. It makes them feel like you’re on the same page, like you share their values and interests.

"ECHOING"

<ul><li>If you’re dealing with visual people, consider using visual empathizers to help them understand that you see the world the same way they do.</li><li>For those who prefer auditory communication, auditory empathizers can help them feel heard and understood.</li><li>And for kinesthetic individuals, kinesthetic empathizers can make them feel like you share their physical sensations.</li></ul>

"ANATOMICALLY CORRECT EMPATHIZERS"

Create a sense of deep connection with someone even if you’ve just met. Confuse their thoughts by skipping the usual small talk and going straight to the deeper stuff. Make them feel emotional by using the magic words we, us, and our.

"THE PREMATURE WE"

"Show sincere interest and people will talk"

Never let the phrase “thank you” stand alone. Always follow it with “for”: from “Thank you for asking” to “Thank you for zipping me up.”

"NEVER THE NAKED THANK YOU"

7 tricks on how to boost your conversation

"You'll not only break the ice, you'll melt it away with your new skills." -- Larry King "The lost art of verbal communication may be revitalized by Leil Lowndes." -- Harvey McKay, author of “How to Swim with the Sharks Without Being Eaten Alive” What is that magic quality makes some people instantly loved and respected? Everyone wants to be their friend (or, if single, their lover!) In business, they rise swiftly to the top of the corporate ladder. What is their "Midas touch?" What it boils down to is a more skillful way of dealing with people. The author has spent her career teaching people how to communicate for success. In her book How to Talk to Anyone (Contemporary Books, October 2003) Lowndes offers 92 easy and effective sure-fire success techniques-- she takes the reader from first meeting all the way up to sophisticated techniques used by the big winners in life. In this information-packed book you’ll find: <ul><li>9 ways to make a dynamite first impression</li> <li>14 ways to master small talk, "big talk," and body language</li> <li>14 ways to walk and talk like a VIP or celebrity</li> <li>6 ways to sound like an insider in any crowd</li> <li>7 ways to establish deep subliminal rapport with anyone</li> <li>9 ways to feed someone's ego (and know when NOT to!)</li> <li>11 ways to make your phone a powerful communications tool</li> <li>15 ways to work a party like a politician works a room</li> <li>7 ways to talk with tigers and not get eaten alive </li></ul> In her trademark entertaining and straight-shooting style, Leil gives the techniques catchy names so you'll remember them when you really need them, including: "Rubberneck the Room," "Be a Copyclass," "Come Hither Hands," “Bare Their Hot Button,” “The Great Scorecard in the Sky," and "Play the Tombstone Game,” for big success in your social life, romance, and business. How to Talk to Anyone, which is an update of her popular book, Talking the Winner's Way (see the 5-star reviews of the latter) is based on solid research about techniques that work! By the way, don't confuse How to Talk to Anyone with one of Leil's previous books, How to Talk to Anybody About Anything. This one is completely different!

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Communication

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Love & Relationships

Leil Lowndes is an author and internationally recognized communications expert who specializes in subconscious interactions. She has conducted hundreds of seminars in the US and around the world for major corporations, associations, and the general public, and frequently appears as a guest expert on national television shows and major news networks. She has authored ten bestselling books on communications — most recently, How to Talk to Anyone at Work: 72 Little Tricks for Big Success Communicating on the Job — and is published in over 26 foreign languages. She lives in New York City.

The Wrong Way to Motivate Your Kid

Master of Change

How to Talk to Anyone: 92 Little Tricks for Big Success in Relationships

Summary